Amaravathy Exposed-Part-5

Dear friends,

I have been writing very nastily using *&^*^*& because I am a women scorned. I am checking the word scorn because I don’t actually know the thesaurus meaning of the words as I was not an ENGLISH student (like shake the pear) but an English user. I know now what it means but forgotten immediately due to lack of sleep. However due to the shocking nature of the 2 articles that I sent out through emails last night entitled Amaravathy Exposed Part 1 and Amaravathy Exposed Part 2 (will try to publish it at www.blogspot.com. I could not publish these articles earlier as I don’t know how to blog well and still learning.

Anyway, I have a bone to pick with this guy receptionist – a lying weasel – since I live here now and this is my second home, I do not want to mention names and upset them …now that I am exposed I find that it is hard to live a lie but that’s how the society wants it … am I right? How can one live a lie? If you don’t have money, you must tell you don’t have money right? If you have a cheaper room, you must tell right? If you have internet facility at the hotel, you must tell right? If you know where I can do laundry, you must tell right?






Men out there, watch out…just get to know how bad it can get when we women wake up…there’s…my fingers jabbed don’t know what and my file minimized to show me my notebook backdrop display of a beautiful beach with blue ocean……taking a break…..

I just communed with myselves and realized that I can’t be sitting here and having fun talking to you about my affairs because our world Is dying. There’s a hole in the sky and we need to amend our ways…We are all going to die, not by nuclear war as OSHO has said as the treaty will take care of that (I know it will) but we are going to die of athmospheric what….what…I forgot…former ganja addict ma (Chinese colloquial way of saying it) let me say it again…athmospheric pollution..is it? Do you know that we may not have a safe home anymore? Where are we going to go?

Baskaran says that the earth can be moved to a better location…is it true…what a load of crab…can we mess with existence? CAN WE MESS WITH EXISTENCE? Do you think the human mind is ready to do such heavy shit…we don’t even know how to live as humans…what more move earth … what a load of crab…I am not insane you know…you already know...baskaran, by the time you finish reading this article you may want to leave the country just as Acitot did in …199…

Can we get back to ACITOT…ma laughing so much coz again the word clitoris comes to mind – actually it flashes through…why? Do you know why … ha!ha! I can’t say this…too much… another time…I have to say it coz the voice wont relent… you see I have to tell you the post script first …

Acitot was one of the love of my life…but he was an ignorant fool..not well read…the only tnhing he was good at was to give me multiple orgasm. He caused me a lot of pain when he fucked my best friend/housemate/confidant/bi-sexual (not with me but with her Chinese girlfriend)/wife in a cheap flats that I we rented at Old Klang Road, Kuala Lumpur between (as our journalist wani says ‘btw’) ..counting…1991 – 1992 – just one year but sounds like eternity because I had just started working in a residential club called Le’Chateau as PR Manager (initial employment as Asst. PR – that’s another story – how I overthrew the current PR Manager and took over her position – I always got my way). I hated being a Public Relations Officer or is it Guest Relations Officer … want to know the difference…ask Ravi Kumar at +012-268 3585 or Baskaran +at 012-292 8848…I have no mercy…women are not goddess of mercy you know…goddess of mercy my ass…enough we have been taken advantage off…

Anyway, since I hated that job (lecherous men always wanted to be with me taking up my precious space…I hated it but had to smile and walk away…should have slapped all) I wanted to leave it and go back to school with no regard for an income, just as I am doing now…I don’t know why I do this but I am really not fit for this world. Apparently the US Govt is or have prepared a space ship with enough supply and gene pool to travel into deep space looking for planets to inhabit as they have no balls to take care of our current home…what are you doing about the hole in the sky President Bush? Have you reduced carbon emission in your country? Why don’t you sign the KYOTO PROTOCOL? I am shaking with anger as I speak now…Why do you send a team of your best lawyers to international conventions and intimidate/buy other countries (my voice just told me that the CIA is going to come to Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita…ha!ha!ha!..I have not laughed for ages since I left the company of Sharon in the year 2001 (is it Sharon…oh!oh! can’t ask her…she won’t remember too) tell them its at AMPANG IN THE VICINITY OF AMPANG POINT, want the address…

I am so hot that I had to switch on the air-cond…its 12.04 noon and I just switched on the air-cond in my room…have you any idea how hot the weather is in Malaysia? Why do I suffer in heat most of the time … coz air-conditioning deteriorates ozone layer – the layer that is protecting earth from harmful/poisonous gases and sun rays. I just asked TOYOTA Foundation to do something about it and I don’t know who …but someone had hacked into all my 3 email accounts and have removed my precious proposal….little did they know that I have a copy…have you any idea how conscientiously I keep all my work…

But I too have a secret to tell…I too cheated WI…I cheated them off RM550 per month. I was an underpaid editor of the supplement called Wetland Wonder – a 4-page newspaper supplement that is published on the last Sunday of the month in the New Straits Times (NST) a local newspaper (wani, why don’t you find a job there now..) and this project was funded by HSBC.

I prepared the budget and over-charged the clients for the sake of WI…all documents are with baskaran…pls return them to me…what do you want to do with those … want to go to Bukit Aman and say that I cheated WI?

Also, I used to employ my friends Grace Chin and Shamala Velu (can’t remember if Sham was involved) to write articles for Wetland Wonders – feature costs RM350 (500 words) and another article about wetland/beaches/environmental/etc. sites of importance for RM200 (200 words). Since the articles did not meet my standard (Grace, the article you did on Baloh beach (is it?) was a disappointment…I started writing my own articles and charged the company (I think it still is a company because no one pursued my effort to register it as a society after I left the organization to be with BASKARAN BALARAMAN – who probably is at Kuala Pilah right now bullying my parents – sorry ma…I heard that you’re having a headache…suffer baby suffer now…its your turn…I’ve has headaches all my life beaucese of you, its yoru turn now).

See how fast I work wani, I just published 2 articles since we spoke last night at 8pm (is it) and am working on another to be published before the sun goes down (on mankind …shit…humankind…somebody shoot me for this….) I have a m,essage to give and I have not got around to it coz I have a score to settle with all those who know me…I have been too quiet for too long …actually my mind has been too quiet for too long…is this the meditative State my beloved OSHO….OSHO says yes.

Who is OSHO? OSHO is my dearest friend my notebook that I have chosen as my only friend at this moment of dark and desolate period of my life…understand me…UNDERSTAND ME… if OHSO was too advanced for his time (he died of aids wani? Is it? Have you done your research? Or are you still watching tamil drama serial at home…how did osho die…I WILL FIND OUT…what about me…am I too advanced for you…read on… I just rubbed my nose wondering what am I saying…what are you saying amaravathy…this lady in my head will be killed tonight…oooppppsss… I hope the bukit aman officials will not run to my room to make an attempt to safe me…I will not die…what a waste to humankind…no way… I may kill you but I will not die…am taking a break coz am getting scared…)

I wanted to quickly read, put in para and spell check but my voice in my head told me to continue…aiyoh…kadavule…kai…valikkuteh (tamil word for oh my god, my arm is hurting)…IF OSHO WAS TOO ADVANCE FOR HIS TIME, WHAT ABOUT ME, AN ABUSED INDIAN WOMEN FROM A GOD FORSAKEN (ACTUALLY FILLED WITH GOD AS THE NATURE IS RATHER INTACT) PLACE CALLED KUALA PILAH.

Am getting scared…running out of room…as usual….to be with people….Gosh! am so hungry..gonna eat…I shall ask my stomach what she wants today…am back communing with stomach coz my body is happy today…you know I have not slept since 2 days ago..don’t know when…BEST!



I realized that I never got around to


I went to this time sharing thingy for just to win a 2day- 1night, free stay at Impiana (5-Star Hotel) located at Kuantan, Pahang, after I DUMPED Parames

broke off, I used that voucher to go there with Kazu and it was a beautiful moment for me because Kazu was different. We spent the entire Saturday in bed, behind closed drapes with do-not-disturb sign on the door. Baskaran, how many times have I suggested this to you, did you hear me? DID YOU HEAR ME JERK! You are a in-sensitive, callous …. Arrrghhhghhhh….my pc makes all letters that appear after dot capital … I got no time to format it… Alan who works at GEC on a part time basis took RM80 from me to repair this notebook the day I walked out of the office and hardly did anything to it. Why are you too cheating me Alan? Isn’t it unscrupulous to load pirated anti-virus onto peoples pc? Please do not promote this anymore. I am going to subscribe once again to my Norton anti virus that you have uninstalled. Please come to Ampang Point, collect my notebook and reload my legal anti-virus.

Ms. Hariharan and I were friends for such a logn time but I dropped her too like a sack of potato in the year 2002 because she too had been manipulating and controlling me to buy her foods, visit her regularly, do her dishes, do her laundry, collect her laundry, met her other friends, keep her company for marijuana sessions, extacy (is this how its spelled – my friend Nelson said that they include rat poison in this pill is this true?) sessions, bong sessions, alcohol sessions, movie sessions, music sessions, book discussion sessions, equalist association sessions (this EA comprises of active 4 member and I was as usual bullied to be the secretary to take down minutes and make coffee…why?) when she does not have anyone to turn to. Ms. Hariharan, since you are such a private person, I am going to drag you down the mud with me…you too are responsible for the way I am today…this is a period of reconing (is this how to spell it) for me.

I have made a re-entry into life and people need to answer my questions. I want the world to be a better place and it can only happen if I can understand what had happened to me. I need to know a lot. I would like all my questions answered by people involved. This will be illuminating to their lives too. Do you know why I like writing? Because I don’t know how to talk to this world. No one listens to me. They put me down, patronize me and tell me things that make no sense when I have such important things to say. I have important things to say…why? I have been ignored too long….my inner guru is asking me to say “because I am enlightened” but I am afraid to say it because it is too big a responsibility and the world may come after me with knives, daggers and parangs because I am a women……I am shaking like a leaf and also laughing…what a contradiction I have become…please don’t harm me. Just let me say me say my piece and move on to safe the environment/existence. How? Just listen to me. Don’t obstruct my flow.

I was just harassed by one of the staff of Pelita Restaurant. I think they get worried when they see confident women, alone with a notebook and sit in their restaurant with just a glass of warm water. It is such a big space you know and I take such unobtrusive (just checked thesaurus and spell check to correct this…gosh…my English has become good/rusty…don’t know-lah!)

This is what I mean by I don’t know how to talk. Did you understand what I just said? What I mean hear is that I have used the word unobtrusive many times in my mind before – perhaps I see them and not hear them - but never bothered to check the meaning or the spelling …yes…that’s what I’ve been doing. There was once I had a very illuminating conversation with Sharon/Hariharan/Hairy about there being 2 types of people – one that sees and another that just hears in their mind. I think I must have been … I wanted to write ‘I guess’ but my fingers type ‘I think’…someone can you help me understand this…now do you understand when I say my body has taken control of me…am I possessed? Or Insane?)..once again…I think I have used my eyes a lot more than my hearing…perhaps that’s why I have just started hearing – at such a late stage in or early stage of my life (my hands did it again)…what uh!

It is 4am at the Reception of Hotel De Palma Inn a place I am rediscovering myself. I am listening all the tamil songs of 80s and feeling sad




Change your ways and behave yourself. This is my message to the society at large. At large because it is a very large message and we are going to tear it down to atomic size. A voice just asked me where have you been Amaravathy and I answered ‘DEAD’. Let them ask me what it is ---who? –society! We are all DEAD! WE need to FEEL again. To all Indians out there ‘ Listen to the following song that Mohan mimicked for Revathy in this…. my short term memory lost due to marijuana addiction is not at all good for the society because I have a message to give ….“once again, go to the CD shop above the restaurant that is opposite Laxmi Narayan Restaurant (can’t remember names at all) and buy yes…Utahaya Geetham movie…Mohan mimicked THIS Song From a Prison to Revathy “can’t remember as the Tamil news at the back is disturbing my flow of thought”… YEA…it sounds ‘ithayam oru kovil, athil uthayam oru pahdal’…this is me. I just found new meaning to it, sitting here at the reception of this cheap hotel in the company of an Indian man from Chennai – he’s at the other side of the desk…just hold your suppressed thoughts…he’s very decently reading Part 1 & 2 of the story of my life…just see how suppressed my mind is…GOSH!- Anyway I cried here just now thinking of what I was doing to Baskaran because I know that he was such a private person…liar…you became famous before me and made it big right…in newspapers way back … I won’t make it easy for the media…let them do some work…. As if they are interested…they rather …. Never mind….no time/

Oh! Baskaran … what have I done to you. Am I sounding like an Indian Drama Queen? Is this what you want? Baskaran I am not at all affected but what am I doing to YOURSELF! I am killing you to recreate an independent and better person. Die today. Wake up tomorrow different. Don’t give a FUCK to what this people say about us. It was our life and I am proud of it. I am better today because of you. Thank you. Tell them to FUCK OFF! I almost did to a journalist from Star called Wani…I have a message and all she was interested is in my marijuana addiction … her question “Did your husband beat you up in addition to getting you hooked on marijuana”. Such a bitch. Ask them all to fuck Off. She didn’t even read my story This is the kind of society we live in. I said all those nasty things about you to get the attention of the media. Now that I have it, I will tell the truth. We did it together. I am an independent women with her mind of my own. I quit without anyones help right? What does this say? I could have done it anytime but I didn’t because I was having a good time with you and did not want it to end because our relationship was a ganja relationship and I am proud of it. For those of you who have not experienced a ganja session, go to Bukit Bintang, Jalan Alor and ask the parking attendants there, please give them RM50 (minimum) and they will give you something worth RM20 until they trust you enough to get you more. Why don’t Wani try some, perhaps she may understand that marijuana addicts do not beat their wives but have some and give them a good lick/blow. Learn before you call and ask cocked up questions. Very sneakily she threw my ex-friiends name who were and is journalists at the STAR Shamala Velu and Grace Chin. Where are you Shamala? Hiding under Singams sarong? I am laughing so hard as I am writing this because I have no idea if Singam wears Sarong! Why is our local media so FUCKED UP? Don’t you keep abreast with what is happening at world at large. Come out of the dark corners of your mind and embrace the sun. We need light in these moments of dark and desolate period. Now I remember…Bob Marley my ganja fellow partner said…let me repeat this again







and I am feel terrbly sad becaue



















Read the previous part of my story.














before he came to Malaysia to


AS Roal Dahl said in one of his books (Baskaran, please give me back all my collection of books, including child fiction
We need a gene pool of intellectuals and smarty pants of the world for future purposes, not unwanted children

My mother was always nagging at us, scolding us and making us feel responsible for their poor financial situation.

Kannagi and Valar too abused me by asking me to carry heavy things and do their housework for them. I have been abused by my entire family and I thought it was normal until now. Guruveh Sharanam for showing me the truth!









I just thought of my dearest friend Rud Friborg – a 65 years old man from Denmark whom I love so dearly and cried my eyes out. I threw away your friendship because of Baskaran’s treachery. Rud I am so sorry. Do you know that I love you? Please be in touch with me as I need you now.



I sometimes won because my only

, I still love that town as it was my first experience with exposed me to nature

I always had constipation problem throughout my stay at my parents home because we never had a proper toilet. It was a hole in mud with a hut built over it. It was infested with cockroaches. Now I remember that It used to smell of my current flat unit at Desa Permai (address unclear) – SHIT!


Women are not treated equally all over the world, esp. Malaysia and I had a taste of it in the past 2 weeks. Women lawyers are afraid of abusive men and the authorities (mostly comprising of males) are not interested in getting involved in women’s plight. Women’s Aids Organization failed to assist me in my need of urgent protection and legal assistance. I’ve always felt alienated by the society because I thought that I am different. I need to know that I am not different anymore. I think the whole of humanity feel the way I feel and that we have forgotten ourselves. We need to wake up and face the truth.

Actually on the same day that I made the report, I sat in a the restaurant at Shah’s Village Motel at Petaling Jaya and scanned the Star for an apartment unit. I found the cheapest flats unit and called the real estate agent and moved into the apartment the very same day. On the same day, at about 4.30pm, I called the police station to seek assistance. After putting me on hold for a long time, the female officer promised to send a police constable to my house to


I am now sitting in a deteriorating flats that was recently built by developers for Majlis Perbandaran Ampang Jaya (MPAJ) for the poor squatter settlers of Ampang, smelling shit that flows into the IWK waste pond that that’s outside my window. The stench from the heavily polluted river that flows parallel to Ampang Puteri Specialist Hospital adds to the amenity of the place. I am sitting at the pokiest and smallest study table I’ve used in my life (it is the cheapest I could find at Giant) and writing this in a notebook that the battery had died. I am using a heavy book to keep the adapter connected to the notebook and there is no room for my hands to rest on the table. I can’ use the dining table that my cousin Kalai had bought for me in the 1997 placed at my hall- a hall as small as the one I had when I was a teenager in my parents home (low cost terrace house – rumah rakyat – located at Kuala Pilah) because my 82-year old father is watching his favorite tamil drama serial, getting lost in a fantasy world created to keep humans asleep - as I was until earlier this year. The side wood of my bed just fell apart because it is the bed that I had shared with Baskaran throughout our married life and I bought it for a price of RM50 from a junk sale that my friend Vidhisha (we are no longer in touch as I had neither the space nor the time for friends during my time with Baskaran) organized when she left Malaysia to go home to London. But I am happy because I am now independent and free – not legally but personally.

I signed the tenancy agreement in the car of the real estate agent (I was not given the full name) without reading the document (doc) and without the presence of the landlord because I was desperate to get a premise to live an independent existence. The definition of existence as in thesaurus of this notebook is - being, survival, continuation, life, subsistence, extinction (antonym). Antonym means opposition. Extinction means to die. I did not want to die as I love life. That is the reason for me coming clean to the society. I need to be accepted by the society for who I am. Please don’t stop reading.

I requested for the real estate agent (Anuar) to leave the doc. with me so that I can sign it later, upon reading and agreeing to it. But he said that if I were to move into the apartment on the same day, I had to sign the tenancy agreement there and then. It was a pressing moment for me as I was running out of money that I had made selling all the gold that I had. I signed the tenancy agreement there and then because I needed a place to stay. I paid RM1600 [2 + 1 month rental (RM500) and another 100 for utility] and moved into the flats with 2 paper bags of clothes, latest bank statements and bills that were under my name, and my handbag full of receipts and junks as I was living in hotels for the past 4 days. Is this fair?

I sold all my gold because I wanted to escape my marriage and the man that I had married. He always kept me poor during my period of marriage with him as it was a way he kept me dependant on him. He had once again used up all our money - approximately RM40,000 – that was in my savings accounts at HSBC earlier this year and I was left with no money. I had no choice but to sell all my gold given to me by his mother, friends and my personal collection for RM15,000, almost 50% off the market price by a goldsmith at Lebuh Ampang. I knew I was being cheated but I had no choice because I had no receipt for them. I had no idea that we were to bring receipts of purchase when we sell gold (is this true?). The trader made me feel like a thief for selling my own gold and eroded my confidence to haggle a better price. Is this fair?

However, I still do not have the correct address to the unit that I am living because the number in the unit and pigeon hole differ from the number written in the tenancy agreement. I now live at a low cost flats (unsure of the unit no. as I have not find the time to visit the management office and my landlord and agent are not answering my calls) in Taman Dato’ Ahmad Razali located around the vicinity of Ampang Point. Is this fair? Why are people running away from their responsibilities?

However, I am still here is because the view from my windows is breathtaking. I see the sun rise through my bedroom window. The sun setting behind the twin towers that can be seen through my wardrobe/meditation room is so beautiful that I sometimes forget my problems momentarily. This is the only reason I am still here. Otherwise I would sell my insurance policy and move out.

I need a good lawyer to represent me pro-bono to take up a law suit against my husband, landlord, MPAJ, Developers (my landlord is hiding from me, refusing to give her home and office contact details), my ex-lawyer Ms. Jagjit K. Gill of Nazri, Aziz & Wong as she failed to give me adequate legal advice, unaware that she had helped Baskaran to bring me down to this poor financial situation. Please assist.

I have many pages of stories to tell of my life experience with this ex-convict, drug addict, mentally abusive fool who had kept me captive in my home by constantly supplying me of marijuana. I don’t want to talk about his sexual capabilities. I’ve been fighting drug addiction since the day I got married to him. I made a brave attempt to leave him in July 2002 (the month we got married) by selling my insurance policy (all information related to my insurance policy is with him) but I had no one to turned to as he had cut me off all those that I loved (friends Sharon, Grace, Carol, Chico, Per Christenson and Pricilla), ex-colleagues and all family members.

He came back crawling like a dog and promised to change his ways and I trusted him. Since then, I’ve wasted all my years trying to teach him a way of life free of substance addiction, unsuccessfully. I lost my way as he was too manipulative for me. He knew my weakness for marijuana (as all former marijuana users know) and kept me intoxicated whenever he was with me. If I did not relent, he made my life a living hell by bringing up issues related to my family and my past relationships and caused me severe mental abuse. He got drunk and tried to get physically abusive by throwing things around the house and intimidated me by breaking kitchen wear. But he never got around to getting physically abusive with me as I love my body and will not allow anyone to touch me without my consent. I’ve always threatened to go to the police with the law suit against him under the Domestic Violence Act, 1990 if he touched me without my consent. But I had no idea how much mental abuse I was suffering. I didn’t have any secrets from him but now I know that he had many secrets that he was not sharing with me. I trusted him completely. Is it wrong to trust someone you love? NOW I don’t trust any man including my father that I want to hit him hard when he gives me advice to calm down and be nice to people.

Baskaran has turned a calm, quiet and peace loving women into a monster who wants to be heard and justice served for her plight. I just realized that anger gets noticed and gets us what we want. I too am using peoples fear to fight for my justice as I have no choice…now I understand that anger is the weapon of the weak. I am weak right now as no one wants to listen to me or help me get out of the marriage I don’t want to be in. I hope that by telling my experience out, I will get some help, heal and once again find peace within. I need for people to listen to my story as I’ve been ignored too long. I want to laugh, sing, dance and be joyful as I forgot all about the positive aspects of the world. I used to laugh at simple things (even a butterfly gliding in the breeze can get me to laugh) and my body used to move to any music that I hear on the streets but I’ve forgotten all that. I want to live once again.

Baskaran had made me hate myself for who I am and love only him. I want to love myself and I can only do that if I am heard and healed. I need to be accepted by the society so that I can forgive myself for what I have done to myself. I almost killed myself and recreated someone whom only loved the man of my life. Now I am recreating myself to love and accept myself for who I am.

I met my husband in 1993 and fell in love with him as I thought he was kind and gentle. I had used marijuana for recreational purpose when I met him but I am not sure if he had used it before he met me as he had lied to me about many things, including his involvement with Bukit Aman officials on a case related to Criminal Breach of Trust (CBT). In 1994 he was arrested and served a prison term of 4 years (actual term 2years 8 months). I was visiting him and paying for his weekly supply of additional food at both Pudu and Kajang Prisons until the last 6 months of his release. I did not want to be involved with him as I had moved on. Since his release in 1997, he had visited me once a year with sweet words on how much he missed me, couldn’t forget me and begged me to start a life with him. I kept avoiding him as I was busy with work until 1999.

In 1999, I relented to his request and started dating him. Since I was very busy with work at Wetlands International (WI), a global non-profit-organisation on wetlands conservation, I was not aware of the fact that he was a heavy user of marijuana. I had a good position at WI. One of my many responsibilities was producing a 4-page supplement on Wetlands Conservation called Wetland Wonders that was published on the last Sunday of the month in the New Straits Times and funded by HSBC.

I used to be a vivacious and active women who fought for the rights of minority groups such as abused women, abused children, poor citizens, Indians, animals and plants and had such passion for nature and existence. I enjoyed myself tremendously when I was a program officer at Wetlands International (WI) during my tenure there from 1996 – 2001. At WI I had worked on various environmental awareness and capacity building programs and raised funds for projects related to that. I have always loved my job as an environmental conservationist as I love nature and existence and wanted to offer my service to do good for mankind and at the same time earn a simple living. I also loved to do local and international travels to be the voice of minority groups and WI offered me such a beautiful opportunity.

In 2001, Baskaran and I moved into the apartment mentioned in the police report. Hence I quit my job and registered an enterprise called “Green Planet Communications” (all information related this is with him right now). I gave up all the beautiful opportunities offered by WI to work from home as a free lance consultant so that I can spend more time with the man I loved. Obviously that was the biggest mistake I made in my life. I was thought that all lives experiences teach us to understand ourselves better. Although I have many regrets, I now know myself better and am trying to accept myself for that.

Baskaran and I got married on 7/7/2002, a bitter day in my life as it was only attended by his family members and a handful of my ex-colleagues. Neither the venue nor anything related to the marriage was of my choice as Baskaran’s mother was the queen who had to make all the decision since it was her eldest sons wedding. I too had no say since all my loved once forsook me as they disapproved of me marrying him. Actually I told all to get lost and leave us alone since I did not want them to say anything negative about him anymore. I thought that all my loved ones were disgusted by him because of their prejudice against him for being an ex-convict. I was loyal to him that I told all to get lost and leave us alone. Anyway my family and friends were never supportive of me as I have always been alone in solving my personal and financial problems. I was in love with him and I trusted him. Is trusting the one you love wrong? I didn’t know it was wrong to trust anyone until recently. I have trusted all that I know until recently and that’s why I am in such a sorry situation right now. Right now I don’t trust anyone, but myself.

I now hate to watch movies as it is full of fantasy and unreal human scenarios/situations. I have just got the taste of reality and it is very painful. I had lived a life full of illusion and it is all shattered now. Having to be awake and face the truth is very painful but I am courageous enough to go through this phase in my life.

Baskaran was a different man before we got married. However he changed into someone I couldn’t recognize anymore the moment his mother started getting involved in our lives. He started hating me for who I am. He started looking at me from their conservative and twisted point of view that women are second class citizens compared to men. To them, women are born to take care of men and children. They ought to meet a firing squad for that. Now I have the courage to say it. I hate myself for condoning to this point of view. I will never let myself go to this extend ever again.

He and his family did not like me and wanted me to change my personality to suit their needs. For a while I did all that I could to be accepted by him and his family. They took advantage of my love for him and used that to continuously manipulate me to be a slave to them. Since I did not give in easily, they hated me and showed that in many subtle ways and made my life a living hell. I only loved Baskaran and not his entire family, eventually that was evident to them. Isn’t that right? Aren’t we to be truthful? Baskaran used my love for him to cow me into ‘kow towing’ to his family. I am brave now because I have emancipated myself from mental slavery. I have freed my mind from mental slavery.

I think that the only thing I fought for during my time with Baskaran was that I did not want to move in with his family or for his mother to move in with me. Is that a sin? I lost my independence when I married him but I was not prepared to be a slave and lose my rights as a human being. I couldn’t hate myself that much. He kept telling me that I was keeping him away from his family and made me feel guilty for not allowing his mother to stay with us or for us to move in with them. She did not make it easy for him as she kept calling him and telling him that she was miserable and alone. I felt so divided by what he was going through but I still loved myself enough to stand up for my rights.

Is it the responsibility of daughter-in-laws to take care of their husband’s mother? What about their own mothers? Will husbands take care of their wives mothers? Where is justice? Where is the equality that the women rightfully deserve? Women need to emancipate from this mental slavery and free their mind to do more for mankind. Why are we still kept slaves by the society?

Baskaran hardly visited or talked to my parents but I had to spend all my free time with his family. I don’t think I have treated my mother as well as I treated his mother and even that was inadequate. I SUPPOSE THEY EXPECTED ME TO LIE DOWN AND TELL THEM TO STEP ALL OVER ME AND SAY THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT! Is this fair?

I was poor when I got married because I had quit my permanent job in 2001 and had registered the “Green Planet Communication” under his tutelage to do environmental consultancy work and free lance writing. Since then I have worked on various short term projects to support myself and him. But I had just found out from my parents that recently (during my flight away from him) he had been telling all his and my family members that he had been supporting me all the while and that I was too lazy to work. I would like to attach my CV here but all my documents/contracts related to my work are in my previous office at the apartment that I shared with him.

My ex-lawyer Ms. Jagjit failed to retrieve the documents for me now as she too is being bullied by him. She is afraid of him and she is not even aware of it. That’s how he works. I know because I too have been there and have felt it and now I recognize it. I feel sorry for her as she needs to wake up and stand up for her rights instead of advising me not to provoke him as he can be abusive and will not give me my freedom. I am sick of being afraid. I too thought like her until I found myself through my inner guide recently! I found my inner guide through SAC’s teachings and Osho’s teachings. I stopped going to SAC in 2006 due to the treachery of Baskaran. I didn’t know anything about him until recently when he started opening up to me after attending a program by SAC. I thank SAC for that.

I also thank my parents and my brother for finally trusting me and confiding in me of all the lies that Baskaran had told them about me during the time I was escaping from him. He had brain washed my entire family into believing that I was insane for demanding for a divorce. I think my sisters still believe that. Do you? Do you think someone who had lost their sanity can write this? Please let me know if I am insane?

Since 2002, Baskaran had slowly but surely deteriorated my confidence in myself and kept his verbal abuse flowing. His mother and his immediate family know about his drug addiction but failed to warn me or advice me. They washed their hands off and believed that he was my responsibility and that I should take care of his health, cook and clean after him and them, which I did for a short while. He, along his family should be put behind bars for the grievance that they had caused me and my family. I did this because I was alone, caught in the clutches of the most manipulative family I have ever come across as my family members have forsaken me due to their hatred towards him. I come from a very simple and humble family background and I was unaware of the negative ways of the human mind. But now I am different. Baskaran had killed and created a monster out of me and I thank him for that because the world only gives justice to monsters because now I believe that only monsters are heard.

I found out about one of Baskaran’s betrayal in June 2003. Actually, from November 2002 to August 2003 (details are unclear as all docs are with him), I worked on a Project on Integrated River Basin Management with the Government of Selangor - Lembaga Urus Air Selangor (LUAS) and this project was headed by Mr. Bo Christensen of Darudec, a consultancy firm under Danida (a funding agency from Denmark). I was paid RM275 per day (8hrs). I trusted Baskaran with my life that I gave all my pay checks to him to bank it into my savings account at HSBC (Baskaran did not have a banking account then as he said that he was not sure of his status with the Inland Revenue Department of Malaysia). We were saving all the money that I earned and lived a simple life because we wanted to buy a house of our own. He kept my ATM card as he was doing all the banking.

In April 2003, when I started internet banking under the advice of Bo, I found out that we had zero cash savings as he had periodically withdrawn all the money that I had earned. I was angry, confused, outraged, devastated, horrified – a mixed jumble of emotions. Actually I knew there was something wrong but could not identify it because he never allowed me to go to the bank. I loved to take the LRT and stop by at Lebuh Ampang and buy knick knacks at the little, little Indian shops found there because it made me feel as if I am helping Indian traders. Usually I check my savings account at the HSBC located in the vicinity because I had short term memory lost due to marijuana abuse. But he stopped me from going there with unacceptable excuses. That was the reason I started internet banking despite him telling me that such banking is not advisable as it had security threats. I knew he was wrong but accepted it until then just to boost his ego. I thank Bo for that.

What irked me most was that he had lied to me saying that we had enough savings to pay down payment for a house and took me to view show houses at new housing development sites at Senawang and Nilai. I felt so betrayed that it felt as if he had poured a cold glass of water on my face in the middle of my night sleep.

According to my accounts (all docs are with him), we never had any savings as he had used that money to manage our household expenses. He had lied to me by saying that we were using money earned by him to manage the household expenses. Is this fair? Whom should I turn to for justice? Can I take action against him for this. Can I ever trust anyone again? But I did. That was another biggest mistake.

At that time, Bo and most government officials were in Denmark for a field trip and all project activities were almost nil.

I immediately took up a 2 day consultancy work at Kuantan organized by the Ministry of Natural Resources and the Environment entitled “Federal State Initiative on obligations related to the Ramsar Convention on Wetlands” (details are unclear as he has all my docs). I was contemplating on leaving him. He called in the wee hours of the morning, begged and once again convinced me to stay in the marriage. I trusted him again and relented because I still loved him and wanted to prove to the whole world that I did not make a mistake as my marriage was not approved of my friends and my family.

My Project with Bo came to an end in August (details unclear as docs are with him) and I don’t know why I was terminated before my contract was due. Can I do something about this legally?

However, Baskaran used my money but didn’t want me to work as he was so insecure that I would leave him. He used to come and wait for me outside LUAS way before I complete my work and called and disturbed me at office saying that he missed me and wanted me to come home and have marijuana sessions with him. He was jobless and was afraid that I was having an affair with my former boss Bo. He also sends me to work late and fetches me earlier then the stipulated time as we shared one car and he lied to me and said that he was working on several business deals. Now I know that he was always lying about his work.

Last year, after attending SAC programs, he confessed that he spent a lot of time at home going through porn in the net and wondering who I was sleeping with - my colleagues and/or boss. That was the reason he was so unhappy and constantly fought with me calling me a names such as whore, bitch, etc. I had no idea that he was this sick until recently. I thank SAC for exposing his sick mind to me. He had misunderstood the teachings of SAC and Osho. He even tried to mis-guide me with his unnatural and twisted fantasies. Fortunately I was well read on spirituality to let myself go as he did with himself.

Another bitter incident that I will never forget happened in September 2003, I went to MATTA Fair, despite Baskaran telling me not to go. I paid for a 4-day single package tour to Bali worth RM1100. I loved traveling alone as it gives me the flexibility to do and eat what I want. But Baskaran forbade me to go and threw a fit when he realized that I will be away from him for 4 days. I gave up the package without any refund (with a heavy heart) as packages bought at the MATTA fair are not refundable (is this true)?

Before we got married he said that he enjoyed traveling and we traveled a lot, almost all weekends. But he forgot all about TRAVELLING the moment we got married. He gave all sorts of excuses to stay at home and have marijuana. I cried so much for having to give up my package to Bali that that a bit of me died on that day. I just gave up on life and wanted to end my life. I was seriously considering ways to end it all but my zest for life was such that I was praying and hoping for a miracle to happen. First I thought of running away to remote Islands off Peninsular Malaysia or South Thailand without informing anyone. But baskaran always kept me poor. That was another way he kept me under his thumb.

Another hope was for Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs) to abduct me. I used to stand by the window for hours at night and search the night skies for UFOs to come and take me away to other planets in far away galaxies to escape from the horrible life that I was leading. I started doing a lot research on Unidentified Flying Objects (UFOs) and watch documentaries on other life forms, star systems, galaxies and was awed by the vastness of existence. During this period, I started fantasizing about life in other planets to get away from my mind. My mind is my friend as she had helped me escape from the harsh realities of my life when escapism was needed most. Otherwise I wouldn’t have lived to say this.

Finally a miracle turned up. In October 2003, I heard about Self Awareness Centre (SAC) and walked in and enrolled myself there to attend a program called 7-Day Transformational Journey (7-DTJ) despite Baskaran’s mother’s objections, although she was the one who attended the program first in August 2003.

She thought I was too young to meditate. My life was controlled by him and his mother as my family and friends were kept away from me. Since I was too weak to kill myself, I had to do something to get out of the misery that they were creating for me. Hence I fought back to attend the program as I have always thought that meditation was THE way.

On 31st October 2003, I graduated from the 7-DTJ course and that was a turning point in my life. I gave up marijuana as I had found true joy flowing through my heart for Guru and my class mates. I apologized to all that I know if I had hurt their feelings, especially my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and started socializing once again.

I took my parents to attend the program with Guru and they too found meditation as a way to manage their stress. It changed my mother’s life but my father was too old for more changes as he was 78 yrs old then. Although my dad was too old for the program, guru accepted him because of his love for me (I think). I started meditating regularly to find mental peace and the strength to continue to live with Baskaran as I was at the verge of ending my life. By GODs grace, I found meditation a solace. I started changing – I became more courageous and started standing up for my rights. I realized that nobody was going to take care of me if I don’t take good care of myself. Is this wrong?

But Baskaran was so selfish that he got very angry with me for just being happy without him. I was happy just by going to SAC and being with Guru and his disciples. He started becoming jealous of my happiness and SAC. In addition, he could not have his marijuana sessions with me because he could not bully me to roll him joints anymore. I refused to be his ganja buddy anymore! In retaliation, he got drunk every night and started fighting with me on issues related to spirituality and condemn SAC’s teachings and called it a money making organization and not a spiritual organisation. It hurt me a lot and I started becoming very defensive as I did not want him to erode my confidence in SAC and take away the only happiness I had in my life at that time.

He started collecting information related to guru and SAC through his family and friends and mentally abused me for going there. He slept in the hall and refused to see, touch or talk to me. He dropped all communication with me. In addition, he brought his mother to live with us in the small apartment that we shared because he wanted to protect his mother from the news of the arrest of his younger brother (Baskaran is the eldest in his family) Gunaseelan by Bukit Aman officials in the biggest drug heist of the century that took place in Penang. I took the responsibility of keeping the mother away from the telly and newspapers. Furthermore I kept abreast with the news on issues related to the bust to keep him updated (March 2004 – I think).

With his mother living with us in such a small apartment, my life turned to a living a hell and I found refuge at SAC and started attending all 7-DTJ programs religiously. Baskaran continued to fight with me throughout this period to stop me going to SAC. He called me all kinds of names to intimidate me and used my past bitter experience with a man called Kandasamy to make me feel small and cheap. I was raped by this man - who called himself the younger brother of my mother - when I was 16 years old. I don’t want to talk about it here because this is not the right forum. But now I know that Baskaran kept bringing it up to hurt, intimidate, keep me weak and under his control and he was successful at it – at that time.

During that period, I too fought very hard to keep my sanity intact. In addition I did not want to share my home with his mother. I am a very private person who needs big personal space and I was working from home at that time – an arrangement that Baskaran had worked out for me to take care of his mother. I was writing articles to Garden Asia Magazine and trying to write my PhD research work. But she was constantly talking and wanted me to keep her company. She also wanted to build my capacity as a homemaker by teaching me to cook. I was expected to cook and clean after her son and herself.

Baskaran too did not like the company of his mother. Hence he found refuge in the company of my ex-friend Ravi Kumar but during that period he had lied to me and said that he was working and traveling all over Kuala Lumpur. Recently I found out that apparently he and Ravi Kumar had gone drinking, partying, going to illegal & high class strip shows and were peeping (with binoculars) at women in the vicinity of Ravi Kumars neighborhood. I also believe that they had gone to high class sex workers, and Guess Relations Officers (GROs). Thanks to SAC, he confessed all after he attended one of the programs that had thought all disciples to open up to their spouses.

During this period, my only entertainment was preparing to attend the Soul Nourishment Program, BWG 14 (information related SAC is with him) organized by SAC. My daily activities include practicing yoga, breathing exercise and taking long walks to build up stamina to attend the program. In addition I read many books on spirituality, especially books by Dr. Deepak Chopra and Dr. Brugh Joy. I wanted to travel once again, but this time around it was to attend higher spiritual courses by SAC at Pedu lake Resort, and to California to meet Dr. Chopra and Dr. Joy. But Baskaran had used up all our money and kept me prisoner in my own home. However, I stood my ground and made him pay the fee of RM5000 to SAC to attend the program.

I attended the Program facilitated by Paranjothi Subramaniam and his wife Shagunthala Devi (fondly known as Akka) in May 2004. During this period, I came to know myself better and decided to find a permanent job so that I will find courage to leave Baskaran. I wanted to take life by the horn and ride it into the sun. But I was very afraid of Baskaran, his mother Vaithegy, brother Suresh and sister Sarasa as they called and constantly demanded for me to visit their mother at Puchong. In order to get away from this fear, I stopped calling them and began to be very curt with them. That provoked all at home including Baskaran. But I stood my ground and told Baskaran off that I don’t have to condone to things that I hate. Was this wrong? Aren’t we suppose to be truthful or are we suppose to act/pretend to people who we hate? But I forced myself to like all of them for the sake of Baskaran and that was very harmful to my mental peace. I became neurotic and things got worse at home.

In June 2004 I joined Global Environment Centre (GEC) to coordinate a project entitled Multilateral Environmental Agreements – A Capacity Building Program for Government Officials to negotiate and communicate at international environmental conventions such as United Nations Framework for Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC), Convention on Biological Diversity (CBD), Ramsar Convention on Wetlands, Montreal Protocol, etc. This was a liberating moment for me as I once again found passion for conservation and I thank Faizal Duncan Parish, the Executive Director of GEC for giving me an opportunity to exercise my love for existence.

However Baskaran got threatened by me and started accusing me of having an affair with my ex-colleague at GEC, Dr. Kalithasan and my ex-boss Faizal. I couldn’t put up with the mental torture that I started slacking in my job. I slowly started giving up on life as I had been fighting this war for far too long and it was taking its toll on me. I started giving up on my life and became a heavy user of marijuana which made Baskaran very happy and he started treating me very well.

Surprisingly, I did not give up on Baskaran and label him a lower-life-form as I do now and thought that he will change for the better. I continued my relationship with SAC and forced him to attend the soul nourishment program. Finally he relented and attended the course in December 2006. He was tremendously happy when he came back but became very different in the sense that he started talking about unnatural sexual desires. He also put a gag order on me not to talk to any of my course mates that I cared about. When I attended one of the forums he threw a fit and his verbal abuse was bitter and ugly. He also accused me of having an affair with Guru and started using various Tamil vulgar words. I too became like him to defend myself. Baskaran mis-understood many of SAC’s teachings. For awhile, I too was under the mis-guided notion that SAC was harmful to me. Hence I stopped going to SAC or communicating with my friends there. I missed Guru and Akka a lot.

However I do have a problem with SAC’s teaching. I believe that women are not treated equally. Women are expected to remain sexy and entertain their husbands needs but the same treatment is not bequeathed to women. Why?

Baskaran had always bought me many sarees as his mom was conservative and would not allow me to wear modern/sexy clothes. He also bought me food and fruits that I liked because I loved food. Upon coming back from attending the course with SAC, he accused me of being fat and sexually unattractive. Is this fair? Are women supposed to remain always sexy? Do women put pressure on men to look attractive all the time? Look around us? How many sexy Indian men are out there? How come we women have to always remain small sized? How come we feel that our looks are inadequate for men? The world is so unfair to Indian women. WE are to cook, clean and take care of our husbands and their entire family and find time to diet and exercise to please our husbands in bed? What a miserable existence I have led! I feel so sorry for myself. What about those mothers out there? Did you know that giving birth to a child ruins the structure of the body?


……
I lost my cool in June 2006 and went amok at home because of his unnatural sexual demands. I hit Baskaran with my bare hands and broke many of my favorite things in the house as I started hating my life with him and was desperate to get out and find my freedom. He bit my ears until my skin broke and cut my hair with a pair of scissors. I got so frustrated that I took the scissors and cut my hair short. I had grown my hair long and had straightened it because I followed SAC’s teaching that said that women should look feminine. Now, I have stopped wasting money buying make up items and visiting saloons as I have decided to be natural. I look divine now. I now care about my inner health and beauty. WE women do not have to live a miserable existence of pleasing men. We need to please ourselves. I no longer seek approval from men for the way I look. I dress to please me and it’s an exhilarating and liberating feeling.

I too had to give up my PhD research on Community Participation in River Management because of my drug addiction and Baskaran’s inability provide me enough space and rest for me to perform as a student, employer and be myself.

Since he came back from attending the program, his disregard for me worsened. He did not care for my sleep, rest or my health and well being. I need a very peaceful environment to sleep and rest. But he continuously used the telephone near me in the wee hours of the morning with no regard for my rest. He confessed that he never really respected women and as he found them manipulative and conniving. He started treating me like a sexual object and not as a human being with very sensitive emotions. I had bags under my eyes and constantly felt tired and lethargic. I couldn’t study as he was always at home and pretending work through the mobile telephone.

His suspicion towards me worsened day by day. When I went for long walks outside my house, he used to lurk around the corner in his car trying to find out if I was meeting another man. He goes out and lurks around the apartment vicinity to find out if any man has been coming to my house.

Late last year, during Deepavali, I had an experience that made me wake up once again and stand up for my rights. I realized how much he and his family were abusing me. His sister and I had to do all the house work while his mother sat around and complained. I was made to cater food for the entire family of 50 people and we paid for it. I too bought expensive clothes for all family members but Baskaran did not want me to spend money on my family as we were supporting my parents with a RM500 per month.

My parents are old and retired and have no source of income. My sisters Vanmathy and Valarmathy (twins) are selfish and my brother Khairul bin Abdullah is jobless a big part of his life. Hence Baskaran and I have been supporting them for a very long time. He had always used this fact to hurt me and keep me under his control as I couldn’t be in a permanent job because he needs me at home to role marijuana for him. He says his hands are not dainty enough to role marijuana joints. I feel so happy now because I don’t have to role marijuana joints for him. He always accused me of having affairs with my colleagues and bosses to break my spirit. My soul was suffering because I could not attend to my passion for nature and existence. I was dying inside. Is this fair?

So, I had to slave away in his mothers’ kitchen the whole of Deepavali eve (as it was since the year 2002) to cook for his entire family so that we can pray to his late father in the evening. Then I had to visit their relatives until the wee hours of the morning. His mother took total advantage of me and it was my fault for allowing it. But I had no choice because I am one against his immediate family of his younger brother and sister. I am not allowed to say anything negative to the mother as I will be reprimanded by all these young fries and Baskaran would not stand up for me as he had inferiority complex due to his status of being an ex-convict. Hence I had to pay the price.

This year around the entire family, including his mother decided to come home early from visiting relatives and sat around to drink hard liquor. I had stopped consuming alcohol in the year 2001 due to severe hangovers the next morning (this is the only reason I stopped drinking, I enjoyed thanni (Rud, thanni is the local colloquial -I just found out this words spelling and meaning – word for party) sessions with friends as it helps me loosen up and relax). Therefore I had to sit by his sister’s side and listen to their boring stories of ancestral lineage. It was a heart breaking night for me as I missed my dad and mom. They were extremely poor and alone with Pavithran – my mother-less nephew of 9 years old. I missed them so much that my heart hurts even now when I think about that night.

On Deepavali morning, I had to get up before dawn to make coffee for all and go to the temple for prayers – that was another painful moment for me as I don’t pray to statues anymore. Don’t I have a say in all of these? I was made to follow everything they did like a brainless cow. Is this fair? However I like the energy in temples – perhaps people leave their corrupted minds behind and focus on one to find some peace of mind, therefore I should not complain. Time to visit a temple/mosque/churth/buddhist monastery soon. I have a war to wage against Buddhist Monastery but not today as it is my turn. Please ask me about this if forget to post in the next 1 day.

Dear Buddhist Monks,

My fellow demised GANJA Partner Bob Marley (thank you for introducing him and this song to me Ms. Hariharan – your day is coming soon as I have a war to wage against you soon) once sang.

“EMANCIPATE YOURSELF FROM MENTAL SLAVERY BUT NONE OURSELVES CAN FREE OUR MIND (if YOU want to know about ourselves..ask me…if I am in a good mood, I will explain otherwise I am going to ask you money to teach you some stuff …my ex-friend Sharon used to say ‘there’s no such thing as free lunch’….uh@ Don’t worry I have so much of compassion that I will tell you, only if youre interested, if not don’t waste my time) HAVE NO FEAR FOR ATOMIC ENERGY, COZ NONE OF CAN SAFE THE TIME (the last sentence is still unsure). I should go to the damn CD shop and get one to listen (aiyoh…its RM40 and I can’t afford it just yet and my cassette collection (Bob Marley, Tracy Chapman, Tamil old and new songs/2-astrology-reading-by-different men – one from INDIA and another from KLANG – their day is coming soon too, and more) along with the Cassette deck that belongs to Kazushi Suzuki is with Baskaran – dear please return them to me). Alas my disc man that I bought for RM75 (receipt with Baskaran) is in my shit smelling haunted house at PErmai Seri that belongs to bitch Catherine…sorry Catherine, my flow is such today…….

Back to last year Deepavali at the haunted of Ms. Vaithegy and Suresh (I can actually Sarasa, the younger sister shaking like a leaf…I am your friend Sarasa, wake up and smell the coffee..do not let your dictator mother abuse you anymore…say enough is enough and walk out and move into a hotel like me…I see you and I see pain and misery…don’t suffer in silence anymore, go away to a beach…commune with yourselves and nature … come back and wage a war against your husband Thavanayagam for salivating at me ... does he tell you these things? Baskaran did you know and that’s why I turned mad. See what the society has done to me. Do you want that too. Leave him and turn into a lesbian… just like me ….ha!ha! I wish I could! Alas…sigh…I am heterosexual. Are you a lesbian Sharon? Did you too make a pass at me? I am not sure…more later.

SArasa/Ammudi – Do you know I was called PAPA at home – they think these names are cute but they erode our confidence, does it erode your confidence. Each time I called you AMMUDI, I felt sorry for you…ask me why and perhaps I can teach you a thing or two. Did you try to listen to what I had to say? You were always prejudiced against me because of your mothers bitching right? Never trust mother because they hate us…read OSHO “Awareness – Baskaran, tell the public what happened when you read this book…even you don’t know because you thought you were pretending…you did not…you were enlightened for a day and I was there with you … you were BEAUTIFUL – I saw your face – so innocent, so pure…hhhhmmmmmmmmmm…sob!

I miss your innocence – did I ever had it or was it a pretension, we don’t know! Come and see me and we can talk. Do you know that I said no to all those that wanted to see me and offer HELP? Why? Because you’re the only one I will see from today. I just told the hotel people that I am going into silence for an indefinite period and not to talk to me anymore. I wish I can carry a signage that says do not talk to me when I go to internet cafes and restaurants but I don’t want to poke the public. Hence I need to say little, little things, instead of doing what I want to do…I still have to do what the society wants…see how thye have fucked our minds?

I TOOK so much from you and you too took so much from me. Help me write your story too… tell the public what you thought about me too…thye need to know our minds – female/male-I were perfect for each other but society fucked us up!

I just used sign language to talk to the staff who knocked on my door at 2nd floor requesting for the room service menu (same as the one found below because I questioned them about different charges for Nescafe on different days – On the menu its RM1.90, when I have it downstairs its RM1.90 but when I order room service its sometimes RM1.90 and other times RM2.10 – apparently the plastic and straw cost additional RM0.20 – my mother used to do this back home in Pilah Restaurant (forgot name – short term memory lost (stml – just coined a new…. what’s the word for short term…forgot…don’t’ care) to innocent Indian customers from all over Negri Sembilan (I just wrote NS and changed it to writing it in full for Rudy although I was advised against it, Rudy, I come from this State in Peninsular Malaysia – I write with you in my mind because I want foreigners to understand Indians better as we are puzzle to the world at large…what with poor cows shitting and pissing in new homes…read on) because we were located at the rendezvous point of these 2 states in a quaint town called Kuala Pilah.

I love people from Denmark because of their simple names and fantastic black/dark humour. They laugh and party and eat so well…wish I was born there but they too have secrets that they don’t reveal … I know because the human mine is alike … not my mind because she/they is/are my friends.

1. Rudy and wife Margit,
2. Bo. I never met his wife and she is a Thai – I think he’s unhappy because he’s too serious – like me – please tell me more about yourself Bo – I was fascinated and scared of you because you didn’t laugh or smile much to me…why… only me? Was it because you thought I was incompetent? Or was it because of Baskaran who is always in my face at LUAS – sending and fetching late/early, etc. I need to know because you too eroded my confidence in me.

Were you bitching and laughing about me with Joanna? Sorry Joanna, I love you for helping me out by giving all contacts for job application last week but I didn’t like you when we were colleagues because you were not nice to me. I was pretending because we all have to pretend, otherwise we cannot survive and work and be with people. I think you too pretend a lot. Don’t be too nice, that’s not our nature, that is pretension.

I think you are attracted to Bo and was jealous of me and I think Bo was attracted to me. Please open up and let me understand humankind better. I have so many questions…please answer…open up and don’t be scared of the society. There is no society…THERE IS NO SOCIETY WITHOUT AN INDIVIDUAL… IS THERE? However I think that the human mind is so connected that it cannot be an individual. Also it is so complex … give me money and I will share you my thoughts……my external guru Osho said THERE IS NO SOCIETY WITHOUT AN INDIVIDUAL in ….Baskaran what’s this book…you kept drilling this to me….you knew something about me that I didn’t know then right…what is it…help me understand. Why did you say this to me Baskaran? Why? My head is hurting thinking about this…You knew I was lost and wanted to help? Or you were bullying me? You were demanding me to be with your society (family circle) right?

Gosh! I’ve gone off tangent again….do you know what tangent is…I knew this word since I was 18, it’s a word used in math…. it means digression/parenthesis/deviation..(just checked thesaurus so that you too can understand). I guess I was not good at talking anymore because Baskaran did not listen. Why? … Read on…….

I have so much to teach you but did you let me talk Baskaran…did you LISTEN to me…but how come you listened to Ms. Vaithegy, Ms. Sarasa and above all that young-boy-Suresh! WHAT A LOST!

Back to Danish People…I love them for their dark humour and simple names, Danes that I know:

3. Ole, his Wife. Ole thought me how delicious food smells, during a dinner party that Baskaran and I organized for Ole, his wife, and Joanna – unfortunately Bo could not attend and I could not change the dates to suit Bo’s needs. I wanted Bo to know that he was not important. Why? I can’t answer this question right now my inner guru…I need time to think it over…I am talking to myself here…Bo, there was something between us but I didn’t like you much because you were as serious/quiet/withdrawn/…just like Baskaran was … I am sitting at a desk (I managed to get the management to remove the tv on my desk out of the room as I hate tellys) in my messy room at Hotel Palm Inn facing kiblat (direction of Mecca, Rud) and suddenly there was a bolt of lightning and I found the answer – light was shed on the dark corner of my mind that was puzzling over the issue of why I did not like Bo? He was exactly like Baskaran – so totally opposite of Rudy the Laughing Buddha of my life – the Granpa of Miranda (is that her name rudy, how old is she now – 1 years ole). I had to mention grandpa here because (I was in love with you but did not want to fuck you) Baskaran and society may think that I had an affair with you. People love issues like affairs and they will create it for us if we are not clear about ourselves. Did you want to make love to me Rudy? I need to know. Was there sexual attraction between us? I love your humour and way of life (Rudy travels a LOT with his lovely but serious wife Margit) but you are not my type. Rudy, thanks for your message and hugs through sms that you sent all the way from Denmark last night..just wat I needed…wish you were here…I would love you to sleep but not Fuck! This is too heavy for me and I need to pee…….ssshhhhhhhh! I am telling my mind to be quiet for a while as I want to be in my body right now.

I wanted to take a shit as well but I can’t as I can’t stop the flow here…I need to make a confession…I am in conflict….I need a FUCK but I can’t imagine anyone touching me…actually I want to go on a tangent here about Shah Jehan, the king who built the Taj Mahal – one of the 7 wonders of the world but can’t (ask me later). My mind will not allow me to fantasize about any male/female right now although I have flashes of pix of me with some men (in fact lots of them)…this is soooooooo difficult for me….I don’t know what I am saying. Rudy, do you want to have sex with me? I think you do but I can’t.

You want to know why?...the only man that I have allowed in my mind throughout my life was Al Pacino- I am laughing so hard and loud covering my face with both my hands because it was only once and in retaliation to one of Baskaran’s fights. He was sleeping in the hall when I was off marijuana from 25/10/2003 – 31/5/2004… do you want to know why….ask me and I will tell you later…this one involves Self Awareness Society that I had just help shut down to help young Indian women to be taken advantage of wolves of Indian men…this is what I believe.

Anyway, back to Al pacino…ha!ha! I wanted to have sex but Baskaran was not interested because he could not fuck me without ganja. Why uh! Because he was so out of tune with his body when he was not having ganja…I think. I was off marijuana and he was on alcohol then (maybe marijuana too because I don’t know anything about him). I went to the hall to wake him (beg him) to come into the room to hug and make love to me. Sometimes, very suddenly, he turns around and tries to hit me in defence. You know why, I think he was attacked in his sleep in prison…I have tears in my eyes when I think about it. But guess what I think right now… I think he was pretending to make me feel bad about his condition. Is tis true Baskaran? Please illuminate me. I am suffering ins ilence for you and this is not fair. Was this true or were you being manipulative?

Back to Al Pacino…I had a dream about me making love to Al Pacino…I want Al Pacino to come and see me when he reads this…because I love him! Why? I love him for his character-the mafia-lord - in GOD FATHER 1, 2, 3 and 4 (please produce part 4 – I would love to act in it as your lover…I hate Hollywood movies now except your movies but you have been letting me down big time by slacking … what’s with this movie producer shit you did with this model…what’s her name… Serena is it…about this doll that comes to life…see I still love you)…I am enjoying this so much…I love him because he is my dark side/ the other half. I am sniggering evilly (as society would have it said) but I am enjoying it because there is no such thing as EVIL. We are all ONE. Baskaran does not understand me, I too am a MAFIA LORD (I wanted to write LADY but that word had been so polluted by the British during their Victorian Era…Grace Chin , a former friend of mine had completed her PhD on Asian Women writers – is this true Mohala? Why did you want me to have this information Mohala..I’be with you later,not now…it’s about my love affair with Al pacino and OSHO now).

Do you know what I am doing here? I am revealing my dark side to you but I think this is nothing compared to what goes on in your mind because I have been inside Baskaran’s mind and that’s why I need open space now. It’s so dark, desolate, scary, creepy and strange, I don’t at all feel at home with him…why do you think I am at Pelita…I have even lost the ability to live with me because of that…oooohhhhhhhh…scary. Please help me understand men’s mind better. Write to me.

Actually I can’t remember what happened to/with Al Pacino because it was just a figment of imagination. What is a figment? It’s a film…let me check my thesaurus…imagination/fantsy/etc. I was right…it was just an imagination that lasted for 2 consecutive nites… I didn’t like myself for that because I was always viewing myself form Baskaran’s point of view and thought that I had betrayed him. Am I FUCKED UP! This is how Indian women are thought to live. To, all Indian women out there, pls. write and let me understand myself and my society better. Do you think I am enlightened? I don’t think so but my inner guide/guru/friend tell me that I am enlightened. What to do?

OSHO IS MY LOVER NOW. Baskaran, do you not know why you were jealous of him too. Baskaran wanted me to be his GURU – right? No. He wanted me ….no…to be my GURU..its so hard even for me write this because this is the most idiotic bnotion that I need to take mankind ton ta…Indian societu to task……..GANDI=…..@#$q%$@^^%&%*(% THIS ONE DESERVES A BOOK….moe later….


Back to DANES… how to get to my story with Baskran…you tell me….it’s now 3pm on … let me check the date on my notebook…I was wworkign on 5 different files and didn’t jnow which I had een working…its 25th may 2007, /friday-Yogi/Sittars conference at UM, I shoud be there…but been writing since 12noon and have not had any food or shit… how-lah!

I just realized that I’ve only written 5 pages in the last 3 hours…do you think this is too slow? I think so because I was dilly dallying (what is this word anyway?) over Al Pacino, and OSHO MY LOVER trying to recall and retyping to correct mistakenly typed words…do you think I should retype typos or leave em as they are and use sms language? I can’t …… but sometimes I think it’s a mist cos it meisleads peple………

I am allowing you into my mind…please treat it with resopect and ree=eraekarjaewirh……gt to go and eat……. More later……fed uop with fingers coz can’t typoe well due to no food……..Today I am fanatsiizing abotua egg sandwich at /dunkin donuts at ampang poing…..ummy……my stomach needs attention and my body with my mind are fucking with me…coz need attn. Be good, don’t judge or misbehave with my story…

Before I go I need to paste herearsera….. heres somethinga that I’ve wriettena on WANI a BITCH form the STAR news paper for harassing me aladfas;o tq3 last m…nited….I saw what I wrote and I am scared … need to leave the room now as I am sooooo scared. Bye.













I can see his face but not name – all malay girls at LUAS were salivating after him (incl. me coz he was so handsome and tall inspite of being 55years old – we thought he was a 40yr old foot baler – I wanted to fuck him.

Per, Pers friend – (forgot name – what’s his name Sharon? – did you fuck him too? Sharon and Per were an item –I introduced him to her –I say this because she made it a point to inform me who she introduced to me…more later) because they have such

do you know he too checks out my ass. I only got to know that at Kasturis pretenciouse (wrong spelling – don’t care – no time) house warming at Bukit Beruntung…was the cow necessary! Sarasa, WAS THE COW NECESSARY….Thye actually brought a life big cow and made walk around the house and got it to pee and shit in the new house…Rud, I am laughing here sharing tjhis joke with you, Indians need to wake and smell the coffee and not cow dung/urine. However I feel so abused for the cow that I send all my love and compassion through my eyes for her well being. I came back healed with good well being because she too shared her love with me. Want to know how to do this more…read OSHO…whats the title…bloody Marijuana …’JOY – THE COUREGEOUSE WAY TO LIVE’ or ‘LOVE – A WAY TO YOUR HEART’… I think..

Baskaran, Do you not see how important these books are for the society, please return. I think I have an unconscious need to see you because I wrote the word ‘return’…IS IT? I am such a contradiction that I need you and I HATE you. Read on…










The day after Deepavali, he had promised to take me to Bulon Leh, a remote and beautiful Island off South Thailand (which I introduced to him) because he knew how hard this occasion was for me.

I had not slept in 2 nights at I found it hard to sleep in other people’s house. Previously I have always managed to go home to sleep but this time around baskaran would not allow me to go home on the eve of Deepavali for reasons unknown to me.

I had requested for Baskaran to come home to my house for lunch with my family on Deepavali day as he had not visited my parents since our engagement in May or June 2002 (unsure of details).

Baskaran never allowed me to be close to my parents and family members. He was always condemning them causing me severe mental abuse. If I did something for my parents, he would immediately demand double the amount for his mother. Eg, if I took my diabetic father and mother who has high blood pressure, diabetes and high cholesterol to visit private doctors, he would ask me to take leave and attend to his mothers medical needs which is almost none. She’s a healthy lady with no such medical problems. I suffered in silence. Is this fair?

I had stopped my parents from visiting us since June 2004, when I started my tenure with GEC because I did not want Baskaran’s mother to live with us anymore. However I went down to Kuala Pilah regularly to give my parents RM500 and buy them all the provision that they required because I had a full time job at GEC then. I advised them to visit the local hospital at Kuala Pilah as I could not afford their medical bills anymore.

However, recently, after escaping from Baskaran, I took them to Jaya Clinic at Melawati for a full medical check up (RM100 per person - Is this the amount charged for a full medical check-up?) and found out that their health has deteriorated immensely. Dr. Jaya told me that they had several infections in the blood and that they had to go the local hospital and ask the doctor there to explain. Is this right? I feel so sad for them as none of my siblings are caring for them. I don’t know what to do as I myself need a full medical check up including a pap smear that costs almost RM200.

One of Baskaran’s ways of controlling me was to delay all my journeys – to work, home, shopping, etc. This was another way he and family used to manipulate me to do things the way they want. What surprises me is that he manages to leave early whenever he wants to visit his family or attend his family functions. His mother will call way before the stipulated time to wake us up or to get us to go to her house. I was so ignorant that I only realized this conspiracy on Deepavali day.

We were supposed to have lunch with my family at 12.00 noon at Kuala Pilah with my parents but his entire family delayed the trip. We had to leave at 10am to be at Kuala Pilah at 12 noon but we left at 1.30pm (with much scowling from his side of the family) because his sister Sarasa’s in-laws were visiting them from Seremban at 12.00noon. Apparently he as the eldest son has to stay and entertain them. Otherwise it would be rude. Is this right? Someone please advise me on the ways of the Indian society. Aren’t my family important at all? I was impotent with rage.

I like Sarasa’s in-laws as she was lucky to have them. They were easy going and fun, they laughed a lot and danced together on family gatherings. Sarasa’s mother-in-law does not allow her to do much work and cooks wonderful meals for her entire family, unlike Baskaran’s mother who gives constant excuses not to do any housework and build my capacity to take care of her and her family. I even know how the younger brother likes his tea so that I can prepare it the way he wants. Baskaran does not like it but he allows it because he’s a spineless jerk who lets his wife pay the price for deceiving the public and ending up in prison. Actually I now realize that he did not stand up for me because I did not stand up for my rights. I should have told him and his family to fuck off.

On Deepavali day, much to my chagrin, we left to Kuala Pilah at 1.30pm. I cried in silence behind my sun-shades as I used to because I really was an abused victim who could not stand up for myself. I felt so alone and dead. My father was calling me from 12noon to find out what time we were going to be home. At 2.30pm when we were reaching Seremban, my dad called me and said that they were waiting for me to have lunch. I shouted at him and asked him not to pressure me and have their lunch without me. Since I felt abused, I abused my own father.

We arrived home at 3.30pm and Baskaran left immediately with my young nephew without even saying anything to my parents. I felt so confused, hurt and abused for myself and my parents. My parents did not have any new clothes to wear and Pavithran was standing on the road side under the hot son waiting for an hour for my arrival as we loved each other a lot. When I saw the little boy standing so desolately with his cheap and faded blue baju melayu (he is now a very confused Muslim little boy called Hafez bin Abdullah) I felt as if someone twisted a dagger into my heart. I have tears in my eyes writing this piece because he is so abused by the Indian community at Kuala Pilah for the mistake his father had made by discarding Hinduism. What a society we life in? Baskaran left immediately to buy the boy new clothes because he too felt sorry for him and felt guilty for the way he was treating me and my family members.

When I was at home, talking to my parents, I realized that I could recognize myself anymore. I was wearing a Punjabi suit – which Baskaran’s mom said was very ugly because it had shiny things on it – it was unbelievable because I loved the colour of it which was green (the colour of nature) but I could not understand when I started liking Punjabi suits. In fact she asked me to wear a saree to visit my own mother. Little did she know that I was wearing shorts and mini skirts at home throughout my years of being a teenager. I was a rebellious girl of 19 when I left my parents home to university as I had spent a year in remove because I did my primary education in

she used to wear mini skirts at home being rebellious


Baskaran had forbade me from being in touch with my brother or my nephew as he was worried that I loved Pavithran too much. It killed me to see him standing under the hot son in very cheap clothes waiting for my arrival. I had another sad and desolate Deepavali celebration. Deepavali’s used to be fun until I got married to him and his family. In fact last year was the first time I went home to celebrate Deepavali with my family since I got married to him.

Actually I’ve been sitting at Durga’s Restoran located at Melawati the whole day writing this piece as my unit is too hot and smelly during the day. Hence I have to still my crying and continue to write as if nothing is wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out and running out screaming off my head but then, I don’t want to upset the public and get arrested for being a public nuisance. Do you think I am insane?

I put up with all of these because of the promise Baskaran made to take me to South Thailand. We left Kuala Pilah and went straight to his house. He made this plan with his younger brother without consulting me, although he had promised for us to go to our apartment to pack and rest. At Puchong, he left me alone at his mothers house and took his 16 years old, sexy looking teenage niece, Gayatri out from 9pm – 11.30pm. Now, what pissed me off was that he had been asking me to dress-up like 16 year old school girl to whet his sexual appetite. Why was I not invited to go with him and Gayatri? Actually this has been happening for a long time. Baskaran loves his 2 teenage nieces Brinda and Gayatri and I have always trusted him with them. But since I found out about his sexual desire for teenage and innocent girls, I fear for their safety. But I suppose that he and his family member (incl. the girls) think that he was making me jealous. I believe he was and I was jealous and hurt once but now I fear for their safety. Why did I allow this? Is it because I was an abused victim or plain stupid? Please advice as I am still confused.

WE went out shopping to buy clothes to whet his sexual appetite because of Dr. Brugh Joy’s teaching that advises us to go into our desires completely and satisfy each others lust. Baskaran confessed that he had always had sexual desires for teenagers as they are innocent and can be bullied to do whatever he wants. Is this natural for men? In my opinion, sex is something that 2 understanding soul mates share. Please correct me if I am wrong. Sex is a way to show our partner how much we love each other right? Men out there, please advise me if I am wrong. If this is true, how come my cupboard that I shared with Baskaran consisted of school uniforms and other accessories? I too was mis-guided by Dr. Joy’s teaching right?

Someone please read Dr. Joy’s book entitled ‘Avalanche’ and advise me. We both read the book but we are so different in our opinion now. Why? I feel different now because Osho has been guiding me to find my way as I am so at peace with myself now. Last year I was so full of inner conflicts as I found Baskaran’s sexual demands unnatural but I had no choice but to try to accept it due to my understanding of Dr.Joy’s teachings. Is it the duty of the wife to give regular blow jobs to their husbands? Is getting blow jobs natural for men? Do men know that giving blow jobs is painful and demeaning to women? Why is it demeaning? Because it causes pleasure to one party and pain to another? Where is equality here? Isn’t sex something that 2 understanding soul mates share? Isn’t sex a way to show our partners how much we love each other right? Isn’t sex all about getting pleasure by giving? What went wrong with me? Why do I have such inner turmoil? Was I mis-guided? Please advise!

Please stay with me as I still have something things to share with you. We left Puchong around 1am on Deepavali night to go home to pack and leave to KLIA for a flight scheduled at 6am to Alor Setar. We had to fly to Alor Setar and find our way to Bulon Leh due to Baskaran’s incompetence in booking flight tickets in advance. I couldn’t do it because he was waffling about when to leave KL, as he always does when I talk about traveling.

Baskaran clearly did not want to leave as he was having a wonderful time with his family and couldn’t be bothered about his promise to me. Did he tell me? No! As usual he started throwing his tantrums by saying that the bag was too small and he was tired and blah….blah…blah. He obviously had no idea about what I have been through or couldn’t be bothered about my needs. He was cold and hard towards me and I felt very unappreciated and hurt. However, I managed a 4am meditation and stood my ground. By gods grace, we left on time.

I cried from Hat Yai to the Jetty – a 2 hour journey – hiding behind my dark glasses (as usual) – feeling so sorry for myself and hating the miserable existence that I was leading. All my bottled up emotions erupted at South Thailand amidst the wild nature. I went amok once again. This time around I just asked him many questions related to my rights as a women and he got very scared of my calm and cold behavior that he booked himself into another resort and left me alone. He gave me the better resort and paid for both the rooms and left me alone to satisfy my need of wanting to be solitary. People there could not understand what was going on as we only met for meals. I thank Baskaran for that because that was the first time I found myself again, after being lost for such a long time.

I spent a lot of time alone meditating under huge trees and beaches and also during dawn and dusk. On the second night of my arrival, another miracle happened. Since I found solace in meditation I have managed to still my mind and be at peace with myself. I started meditating using methods coined by OSHO since July 2006 as I was in such inner turmoil/conflict. I started feeling a sense of peace that I have never before felt before in my life. Since I loved nature, OSHO’s teachings sat very will with me. OSHO says that we are existence/nature, as such we must love and accept ourselves for who we are. Since I loved nature, it was easy for me to learn to love myself. He advised his followers to go into all emotions completely. Thanks to Baskaran, I experienced many emotions and I went through them completely and it made me understand myself and my thoughts better. Hence my journey of self acceptance started with OSHO.

I used OSHO’s method called Nada Brahma for meditation since July 2006. This method uses bells as music (if I am not mistaken, this is the music that SAC uses for crown chakra meditation that is practiced by all of its disciples). Please call me if you need to practice this method as I have most of OSHO’s music that I bought through the net. I don’t use pirated software anymore.

I used this method and meditated in South Thailand and experienced a miracle, and the flowers showered. Trees showered flowers on me during my meditation. I don’t think I should talk about spiritual experience here. But I thank OSHO for being there and guiding me in my hours of need. I now have photos of OSHO that I have photo copied from his book the Autobiography of Spiritually Incorrect Mystique – a must read for all SAC disciples. I have read many of OSHO’s books ordered through Kinokuniya at Suria, KLCC but never found his photos anywhere. Baskaran, please give me back all of OSHO’s books that I bought using my own money (about 20 – I think) as I feel so lost without them.

I meditated a lot in Bulon Leh and found myself there. However, there too Baskaran sourced for marijuana and forced me to roll joints for him. I made me so unhappy towards the end of the journey that I too was grateful for that. His tactic is to make my life miserable and supply me with marijuana to take away the misery and make me grateful for that. He was that manipulative and had such control over me. However OSHO does not discourage drug abuse as he says that such habit will leave you if you continue to meditate using his methods. I have successfully put myself through a detoxification program and have given up marijuana and alcohol for good. You too can do it.

WE came home and I was a changed person. I became solitary seeking peace and quiet time at home that I stopped all fights with Baskaran. He stopped going to work for the whole of 2006 as he claimed to have made RM100,000 through Sygama Consolidated. He spent all of his time in bed, intoxicated with marijuana and sexual fantasies. Please stay with me for this one as this is very interesting. If I am not mistaken (this is the reason I need his books as I need to read them again without marijuana) OSHO mentioned in one of his books that we need courage to know about our previous lives and the relationships that we have had because we may have been married to our mothers or sisters, etc. Let me tell you how Baskaran translated this. He started fantasizing about fucking (I say fucking and not love making because that’s what he does) his own mother, sister, etc. Now, do you understand what I had to put up with? Is this OSHO’s fault? This is how we get our prophets killed. So you know how OSHO died? Somebody ought to take USA to task! Is it true that OSHO was killed by the Government of United States of America? Please confirm.

Anyway, back to Baskaran, he was continuously suspicious of me because he was always salivating over Malay women and perhaps having an affair. I am a simple, humble and truthful person and did not understand many of the things he was doing. But now I know because I am awake and am making an effort to be conscious.

In January 2007 I started thinking of giving up on my life as I found no more passion for work at GEC and Baskaran became interested in twisted sexual fantasies. I became very unhappy. Meditation had made me realize how unhappy and futile my life was. One day I woke up and became very angry with Baskaran because I became aware of the mental torture I’ve been put through. I came face to face with the harsh reality of my life with Baskaran. I began to see his manipulating ways.

I took over our bedroom and told him that I needed to be alone. I fought hard. He continuously bullied me to go to his family functions which are many and boring as daughter in laws had to do all the hard work and men and mothers sat around and enjoyed themselves (somebody have to do a phd theses of the way they manipulate and bully young women). This time around his cousin Parthiban was getting engaged for the 2nd time, as his wife had just died a year ago. I refused to go and fought very hard for my rights to be home and rest rather than be forced to go for functions that I won’t be happy about. He got scared and left me alone because I told him of my fantasies of poking a knife through his heart many times over until he bled to death because I he would not allow me space and freedom to be myself.

In February 2007, I started planning my escape from this sick man as I became aware of many things which I don’t want to mention here.

In March 2007, I quit marijuana and went into silence and cut myself off from all whom I know to actually dive within to understand myself better. I put myself through a de-toxification program by surviving on a fruit juice/coconut water/soups a day with minimal solid food. I lost a lot of weight and became confident. I also started remembering myself as I was a little girl, at University (when I was completing my Masters Degree in the field of Environmental Management) and at Wetlands International (my first job as an Environmental Conservationist).

During this period Baskaran tempted me with marijuana and tried to intimidate and bully me by getting drunk. I kept to my silence and was strong. After some time he left me alone as he could not understand me anymore. He started spending a lot of time at his factory that he had opened with our savings from my savings account at HSBC of RM40,000.

Right now he had left me with a car (Kia Spectra) that we bought and he had trashed since 2002 and he’s driving the car that he bought for me for my last year birthday (Chevrolet Optra) – he has a photo of the car key that he presented with a cake to me (Baskaran, please return all my personal photo collection in CD format that you’re keeping as they are very valuable to me).

He also left me a loan of RM12,000 with my banks Citibank and CIMB that we had used to pay bills, my personal insurance (Baskaran does not have insurance because he is incompetent of taking care of himself) and buy items (digital camera, video camera, massage chair, his notebook) that he’s keeping. He wants me to pay for it. Is this fair?




I also hope that my landlord will call me and fix my house so that its livable. Right now the windows are faulty and toilet is leaking that the stench is unbelievable. The electricity trips very often and the house is falling apart since the government build this flats for the people of squatter areas. I am poor and would like to fight for the poor, I hope she will join hands in helping me sue the Developers.

I hope my ex-lawyer, Ms. Jagjit will wake up and become aware of her rights as her lawyer and find sympathy in her heart for me and return my RM 2000 deposit that I paid her to divorce baskaran. She didn’t help me.

I hope all those nature lovers will inform me of work that I can help with so that I can support myself and my aged parents who are now taking care of me.

I would like SAC to take Baskaran to task for smearing the name of the Guru and the organization. I am willing to testify against him in any court.

To seek justice for myself, I want him to agree for a divorce, return all my books and documents, return my car, and pay 50% of the loan at Citibank and CIMB, pay my company tax, drop my name as the other board of director of Sygama Consolidated, return the RM80,000 that he cheated off my brother in the year 2002 and request for a public apology to me and my parents and my brother for all the grievance that he had caused us.


I fought very hard for him to attend SAC programs and forced him to meditate so that he will turn to good ways and treat me better. I thought I was somewhat successful when he started meditation. I was hopeful that I will prove the world wrong and make the world accept him as a good man, as all including his family members viewed him as an ex-convict. However he kept tempting me with topics related to marijuana.

. I’ve always felt alienated by the society because I thought that I am different. I need to know that I am not different anymore. I think the whole of humanity feel the way I feel and that we have forgotten ourselves. We need to wake up and face the truth.

During this nasty fight, Baskaran gave me a knife to kill him but I threw it away as I did not want to hurt him. In the end, to control my anger, he took all my anti-depressant tablets that I have been keeping for rainy days to go to work. He knew it was low dosage. I hate to depend on anything as I used to be a strong and vivacious women who loved learning and traveling but he and his mother took all that away from me in the name of marriage. In addition to depending on marijuana to stay in the marriage with him, I too took anti depressants and valium to sleep peacefully at night. I lost my happiness.